Week One Round Up
It was a wet week, and it wasn't just rain...
And so the 2025 season begins with a big, wet bang!
Jalen Carter is us.
Before the Eagles-Cowboys game even started, Jalen Carter was ejected for an illegal Dak Tuah, spit on that thang. Even down their defensive star, the Eagles managed a win (no thanks to AJ Brown, and big thanks to CeeDee Lamb), and Jalen Carter will not be suspended. Maybe people should spit on Dak more often.
Meanwhile, in Brazil
Sunday saw the first of Redzone commercials. I am choosing to believe that this is not a money grabbing choice, but rather Scott Hansen’s diaper rash last season got a little out of control, so they decided to finally give him bathroom breaks.
Aaron Rodgers first snap as a Steeler resulted in him getting sacked by his former team, but unfortunately, they didn’t hit quite hard enough and the game ended with a Steelers win against the Justin Fields-led Jets. Danny Dimes and the Colts hilariously embarrassed the Dolphins.
The Bengals narrowly beat the Browns thanks to the improbably named Andre Szmyt, who missed 2 field goals in a one-point game.
The Saints lost to the Cardinals in some ugly yellow uniforms, which was a plan to distract from the fact that their starting quarterback is Spencer Rattler. Russell Wilson and the Giants came out with a tremendously unimpressive loss against the Commanders.
The Las Vegas Seahawks Raiders beat the Patriots, and the Buccaneers beat the Falcons in a nailbiter that never seemed to end. The Jaguars-Panthers game also refused to end thanks to an hour-and-a-half weather delay, resulting in a strong showing for the Jags.
Despite the rumors of Christian McCaffrey being injured, the 49ers managed a win against the Seahawks.
The Packers put up a dominate performance against the Lions, the Broncos avoided an embarrassing loss to the Titans even though Bo Nix played terribly, and Puka gave a blood sacrifice to secure a win over the Texans.
When will the NFL finally crack down on dark magic SMDH
On Sunday night the Ravens played the Bills, and here is real life footage of me after the Bills overcame a 15-point deficit to win the game in the last 4 minutes:
And finally, after some excellent week one primetime games, Monday Night Football was there to remind us that football CAN be boring. The Vikings came from behind (ayooo) to beat the Bears in the fourth quarter, similarly to The Ravens-Bills game, but to compare the two is like having dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant one night and having leftover Burger King the next.
Weekly Awards
THE BENCH OF REGRET
Had Ronny played Rome Odunze over Nico Collins or Devonta Smith, he would have narrowly beat Amanda, who, in turn, would have regretted having Javonte Williams on her bench, completing the cycle of regret.
TIGHTEST END
Brock Bowers started off strong and scored the most Tight End points in the league, except for the undrafted Juwan Johnson, who I might have to waiver after Bowers had to leave the game early due to a knee injury.
NOTHING IS BETTER
For players that score negative points, in which them doing absolutely nothing would have been preferable, this one goes to me and Kaleb Johnson, the rookie Steeler running back that scored -0.2 in his NFL debut. Should I have checked the Steeler depth chart before Sunday? Perhaps. Will I learn my lesson? Probably not.
THE COMEBACK KID
Travis Ettienne of course.
SABOTAGE
This one goes to Travis Kelce, who trucked teammate Xavier Worthy and dislocated his shoulder, killing Stacey’s chances at winning this week.
RED AREA SPECIALIST
For the team(s) that got the most touchdowns, Matt, Ronny, and Karen are tied with 6!
DOINK SPECIALIST
There were 4 doinks this week, by Koo (Neeva), McLaughlin (Ronny), Moody, and Loop (Matt).
STOP STOP SHE’S ALREADY DEAD
This one goes to Sarah, who scored the most points against Stacey, who scored the least.
DIRTY THIRTY CLUB
Only one player made it to 30 points this week: Josh Fucking Allen.
